Archive for February, 2010

Dealing With Loss

Posted: 02/27/2010 in Uncategorized

This is going to be a tough post for me to write.

Today marks the 5 year anniversary of the death of my son, who passed away a little over a week after his 6th birthday. His mother and I considered him a miracle child, as when he was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, we were told that he would be lucky to make it to a year old. Well, he proved the doctors wrong by living 6 times as long as they thought, enduring all of that physical pain, yet being the happiest child I have ever seen in my life. As a parent who has lost a child, I can tell you it is one of the toughest things I’ve ever had to endure, and still deal with it every day when I look into his twin brother’s eyes, and can see the pain of loss he still feels as well.

Now I’m not going to list out the whole “5 Stages of Grief” bullshit here and try to be self-absorbed and state that I have worked through all of the stages and have completely healed from this loss and “you need to follow these steps and you can too!.” This post is more about getting my feelings out of my head and on “paper” so to speak. People have different ways of dealing with grief, and writing about it happens to be one of the best ways for me.

This past week, my sons’ mom and her family and I met at the cemetery to have a makeshift party for my boy. We had my other son (his twin “C” as we call him) release balloons into the air for “Bubba” and we sang “Happy Birthday” and ate cupcakes. I was doing pretty good until we got ready to sing and my son started to break down and buried his face in my side, then I lost it. That was the hardest time I’ve ever had singing that song as I watched balloons float away.

It’s been 5 years and we still have not been able to get a headstone. His mom and I both haven’t wanted to do it because until now that seemed to be too much of a finality. Personally, I have been scared to read my son’s name on a headstone, and isn’t something I want to see. After discussing it with her parents, we finally decided it was time to go ahead and do it, so we have a marker where we can take “C” to visit and he will have something to look at other than a patch of grass. It will take 3 months, so I have time to prepare myself. It was the same sort of feeling when my father died. It took me a long time to go out and see the stone even though I had part in the design of it. For me, seeing a headstone in person is different than just explaining what to put on it.

So I apologize, I don’t really have words of wisdom to help deal with loss for anyone reading this. I guess I could say that if you are dealing with a tragedy or loss in your life, try writing in a journal or blogging about it and that might help. I know it helps me. The pain is still there, I don’t think it will ever leave, but it’s being able to constructively deal with it is what matters.

Rest in peace, Bubba. I love you.

2/19/99 – 2/27/05