What the F*@%!

Posted: 09/30/2010 in Karma, Mindfulness

Have you ever had one of those days where you just wonder what the fuck? Stressful situations, like all things, as the Buddha taught, is impermanent. But have you ever wondered when the hell that impermanence will kick in? Well for me, this has been one of those weeks. Here is a short anecdote:

A couple days ago, I went out to leave for work at 4am to find a flat tire on my truck. This isn’t usually an overly stressful situation. However, me being the supervisor at my job, it is a major issue. I was scheduled to be at a jobsite an hour away, where there was a crew of 5-6 people waiting for the information I have in my possession before they could do anything at all. Even worse is that I found my spare was flat too, so I was going nowhere. Long story short, I had to borrow a vehicle and I rolled up to my jobsite a half hour late, and sure as shit I see all these people standing around waiting for me with nothing to do. I was mad because I was late, but I was also mad that my company has to pay these people to stand around and wait for my ass. On the drive there, I had time to think about how I would go about handling the situation, and just had to get through the work day. I tried to keep in mind that it’s a problem, but there is a solution, so there’s no point in worrying about it too much. This is stress that is impermanent. I got through the work day, and rearranged the schedule to get my son so I would be able to handle the issue. The problem got fixed, yet I had to buy a new tire and ended up spending twice the amount of money that day than I made working, extra money I definitely don’t have. But it got taken care of, impermanence kicked in, and I was sort of stress-free after paying the bill.

The next day on a break at work, I noticed a nail in a different tire. It wasn’t flat, but still needed to be fixed. At this point I asked myself when the hell this is going to end, and wondering why can’t a guy just catch a break? Luckily, this one was able to be fixed for free, but I was still pissed and wondering “what the fuck?” What did I do to deserve this, for karma to shit all over me? I actually asked myself (in not so eloquent terms) “when the hell is the impermanence of this stressful situation really supposed to kick in?” Because this just fucking SUCKS. It’s all I can do now to resist the paranoia to walk around my truck to make sure all the tires are inflated before I go anywhere, and if I do that I’m just going to drive myself bat-shit crazy. I’m talking like Mel Gibson crazy.

I just have to focus on this damn principle of impermanence, because in the midst of a stressful experience, no matter how much I ask myself “what the fuck” I know that this too shall pass.

  1. Blotter Mag says:

    Its okay to feel anger, totally normal. Its good you gave yourself some space around your anger on the way into work to really feel it without acting it out. You’ll never see it for what it is by burying it or blowing your top.

    Life is like this. Shit happens. Its not personal. But it still hurts.

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